Photo: liveabout.com

BY: Alyza A{BloodyLai}

I am never been so sure about writing this. I find it awkward though to express my feelings here in this journal. But I think it would make me more comfortable if I share to you my experienced. I was having a little conversation of this guy I knew in a website. I won’t tell what website it is. We talk more often than usually. We talked about ourselves, what we like and what we dislike too. At first he ask me if I was sure about what I believed in. About the religion I am into. Sorry can’t tell what religion I’m in. He was never get tired of my stories and my sentiments. I thought that having a friend in a website that is full of lies and wannabes is hard to find. I was a non-believer of him. All things he said was merely nothing to me. I keep thinking that maybe he was lying at the first place. He said to me that he can help me anytime that i want. I knew for a fact that letting him in my life will be the worst case since I barely knew him. I was afraid though. I have a lot of doubts and fear. I keep thinking that is it right to talk to him personally about my life? or not?

One thing I knew about him is that he is from Sweden and me from Canada. He is 31 years old but he’s physical appearance doesn’t look like one. He is more of a 22 years old and me at the same time is 21 years old. Well, the gap of our age sucks big time but it doesn’t matter really. I admit I like him. I will never talk about him in this journal if I never liked him. We meet and knew each other for quite some time in a recent incident in that website after all the issues happen in that website. He was the one who told me that I’ll be okay and nothing is gonna happen to you. Since I was a victim of getting banned from that site for unknown reasons. I thank him for keep me calm and indeed he was really telling the truth. I wasn’t banned. From that time on, we were able to talk much often and even added him to other website and got to see each other’s faces even in pictures. I share to him my own beliefs as a human, my own religion and unfortunately, he was the opposite of me. He was mad as hell after letting him convince that he has to open his eyes to reality that not all people are bad and not all people like me are bad. We are just innocent to what we believe in. After that, he never talk to me for some time. I thought to myself, “What did I do to make him mad as hell?”

I was sad at that time. I cannot figure out what to do since I am starting to like him even for a short time we had met. I give him enough time to think and said sorry. He was completely ignoring me but later on, he messaged me and telling me that it is your belief and he has nothing to do with it. I made him depressed real bad. I never knew a man like him will be that mad after what i said. He said something will break out real soon and you are the main reason why I am depressed. That’s when the time Japan was hit with certain calamities.

I felt sorry of what I said but all I just said to him that he mustn’t blame all people because of believing a certain God. He mustn’t blame us for believing in him because each of us has the right to choose on what to believe. I feel guilty at some point because a lot of people had been affected because of that little conversation. I may not knew what his involvement of that tragedy till I was able to talk to him again saying he was a demon. I was too stunned. Can’t barely talk to him and type every word I wanted to tell him. He said to me if I was scared, and answered “Yes”. He wasn’t that surprised because most of the people he knew were afraid of him. For the entire time of liking him and loving him for some way, I was doubtful but later on realize that he needs me. I knew he might feel such sadness and feel alone for the entire time without no one to hold on and be with him. He never knew my feelings till we were talking about his life as a demon. He said he can’t love a human nor an immortal. Love is like a poison to him. He said that demons cannot love but only like.

He even said, he even loved once but it ended him for being depressed and cost a lot of trouble and tragedy. I was saddened after hearing all of this. I knew I don’t have a chance to him since I’m just an ordinary human, no special really. I am weakened by the truth that he can’t love. So all of my hopes and love for him are just wasted. I never wanted to interfere to him. There are girls who have tried to catch his attention, he was that popular on that site. A lot of girls wanted to be with him and get his full attention. They even tried to admit their feelings to him and he was just like a stone. He never accepted them but just saying I like you all a lot, nothing more. After hearing all the stories about him, his life, his principle, I had liked him more despite he was a demon. I never tried to tell him what i feel till he ask me if I liked him. I was having a doubt to tell him really because it’s pointless. I told him, “Whatever I feel for you it doesn’t matter now.” He was surprised i think. He smiled at me like we were facing each other in real life. He told me “I like you a lot”. I knew for a fact that he is liking all girls. Liking is just simply having a crush for him. But you know, I never expect this things he had said to me and I was stunned after he said this, “I liked you a lot more than a human love could do.” I am happy to hear it from him. It was like, I secretly like him and just ignore other girls who wanted to be with him and now he is recognizing my feelings.

I ask him if he was sure about it and not just the same as what he said to some of the girls, he said that he is not a liar and liking you is not the same as liking my own disciples or girls. But he keeps telling me, “I cannot love you the way you love me. I am not a human but a demon.” He said if I will be able to stand his nature of being a demon, then our relationship will work. He said that he might hurt me for real and might hurt me accidentally without his notice because of his uncontrollable temper. I told him, I was already ready for it even before when I knew him he was a demon. He was amazed by what I said and even told me I was a strange woman and not like anyone else who fears him. I told him, I will never have loved you if I never accepted you at the first place. He was convinced that I did love him for real even distance is the only thing that hinders us.

Our relationship had worked out for almost a month. He was always there to help me and even protected me and healed me when I am sick. He knew I am that weak and easily gets sickness and I had been thankful to him for always being at my side. We were that happy so far. We’ve been sharing hope and dreams. Even we cannot be together in the eyes of my own God, I accepted him the way he was. I am always for him to support him in his work, his plans, and had been a adviser or guide in some ways when we talk about certain things. Even he might be a little moody at times and insensitive, he was still my man. The man I loved. The demon I loved. Indeed, love is totally blind no matter what or who you love.

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