TALKING TO MYSELF

Photo: favim.com

BY: Kezza

Does anyone else get these or does it just happen to me? There are things I want to ask but I’m scared to ask, why am I scared to ask, is something you are thinking of now? Maybe just maybe. The reason I don’t ask these things are because I’m basically scared people will laugh at me, so I’ll never get an answer to my question. It’s all I think about at night or when I’m alone, or just somewhere quiet, ‘do people get these thoughts I do?’

It all started a couple of years ago when I was about to turn 13, I’d start to get these thoughts in my head. Things I could do or wanted to do, but I couldn’t just for the basic fact, that isn’t like me to do something like that, now I’m 15 and still asking the same question, still having the same thoughts. Am I mental or just being stupid about this and just over reacting? Do other people get these thoughts? Or is it just a little fantasy in my head, and just a phase I’m going through?

As I put my pen to paper to write down my thoughts, I still sit here and wonder. Do other 15 year old boys think they are someone else in their head? Can they take that person, and do other things with it? Make it have a completely different life to them? To make up things those haven’t happened and never will happen? I’m going to let you inside my head… How can I start this…? It’s hard just to be able to write it down, but I’ll take a shot at it so here we go…

In my head I am out with my mates, like how I would normally, but these aren’t people I know from real life, but I am stood with them, I can hear them, this whole thing is like a dream, there on about a car we just past, and are wanting me to steal it. As I walk up to the car, I look around to check no one is around, as it’s just me and my mates, I continue to walk up to the car and I somehow manage to get in it. As I’m sat in it I am messing with something, not sure what, but the next thing I know is that the engine is on and I am driving it and my friends are in the car with me. As we are driving around, I start speeding. The police see us, pull us over, but we keep going. Eventually the police corner us off. We are all laughing as the police come up to us, and then there is a moment of complete silence from us all, as it hits us and we plan a way out.

The police ask us to step out of the car, and as we do so we run, run as if we are running for our lives. But as I was the driver of the car, I have a police officer chasing after me, he’s hot on my back, I come to a dead-end, but I am still laughing as the police handcuff me, and take me back to the car. They don’t need to ask me who I am or any details like that, as I have been into trouble with them that so many times. I at least get caught for something several times a day, but they don’t always lock me up, they just take me back to the care home – yes, a children’s care home – and as the social workers tell me off, I swear at them and walk out of the house. They stopped trying to stop me from leaving, ever since the day I hit one of them because they tried to stop me from getting past him, and I go out and it happens again and again, and again.

Well I think that can be the end of that story of what’s going on inside my head, but as I write this I still wonder, why do I think like this? Who are those people? And I live in a house with parents and never been into a children’s care home, so why all this? It’s when I’m alone, in a quiet place, or trying to sleep it’ll come to me again. It’s like an annoying fly that won’t leave you alone. I have never been into trouble, so why do I think like this? I know that if I ask anyone they’ll think I’m stupid. So I just keep thinking this over all the time, every day, every night. It’s there when I wake up, and it’s there all day until I go to sleep. It won’t go! But there again, I’m just a 15 year old boy, who is talking to himself…

Stories

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